Hi, I’m your editor for this story. This was a very clever use of your prompts. The idea of a music video is especially interesting. Mostly all I found were a few typos, however there’s a lot of tense change from past to present and back again. I could sort of see you doing it on purpose right as they’re getting read to do the song, but there’s some parts before that that just don’t go.
She held her electric guitar held absent-mindedly in fingerless gloves, talking to one of the backup singers… *Oops…you’ve got an extra “held” in there. *
Behind them is Patt, in torn blue-jeans and jeans jacket. Instead of a hat, Patt’s dyed her spiky hair red and green. Her drums have fake fronts, so they appear to be plastic, for verisimilitude. *This is one of those places where you switch tenses. “Behind them is Patt” and “Her drums have fake fronts, so they appear to be plastic” are both present tense while everything else in the paragraph is past. Also, I would change “jeans jacket” to “denim jacket” since there’s already “blue-jeans” right before it. And, you’ll want to change “Patt’s” to just “Patt.”*
Patt looked up, startled out of her reverie, and Mark caught her wide-eyed look. *You might want to mention that Mark is a cameraman. I was really confused about who he was at first and since you have so many characters it’s important to make sure it’s clear who is who.*
“Good, Mark, Patt.” *This sounds like the tone someone might use when talking to their dog. *
Honey, the bassist, is more into the spirit of things, clothes-wise— However, she’s smiling. *Both of these are present, as well, with the rest of the paragraph being past.*
When Diana thinks they have a sufficient surplus of footage of the undisturbed crime scene and the musicians in it, and Honey reaches a good pausing point in her storytelling, she nods. “All right, everyone, check your tuning. We’re going for the main event as soon as you’re ready.” *Everything from here till where the song starts is present. It could work in this instance if you want the reader to feel like they’re there, but then there’s parts in the song (the other two musicians joined in, for example) that are past so you’d have to change them to present. But honestly, I’d just go with one or the other for the whole story. *
Mhairi, on her knees in the center of the by the outline, *Just a typo here…take out “by the.” *
And that’s about it. Like I said, the biggest problem was the splitting of the tenses. The grammar, punctuation and basic working were spot on, though, so that’s always good. The story had a good message. It’s always fun to start with a character who’s a little bitter and see them have a change of heart by the end. Well done!
Editing
She held her electric guitar held absent-mindedly in fingerless gloves, talking to one of the backup singers… *Oops…you’ve got an extra “held” in there. *
Behind them is Patt, in torn blue-jeans and jeans jacket. Instead of a hat, Patt’s dyed her spiky hair red and green. Her drums have fake fronts, so they appear to be plastic, for verisimilitude. *This is one of those places where you switch tenses. “Behind them is Patt” and “Her drums have fake fronts, so they appear to be plastic” are both present tense while everything else in the paragraph is past. Also, I would change “jeans jacket” to “denim jacket” since there’s already “blue-jeans” right before it. And, you’ll want to change “Patt’s” to just “Patt.”*
Patt looked up, startled out of her reverie, and Mark caught her wide-eyed look. *You might want to mention that Mark is a cameraman. I was really confused about who he was at first and since you have so many characters it’s important to make sure it’s clear who is who.*
“Good, Mark, Patt.” *This sounds like the tone someone might use when talking to their dog. *
Honey, the bassist, is more into the spirit of things, clothes-wise—
However, she’s smiling. *Both of these are present, as well, with the rest of the paragraph being past.*
When Diana thinks they have a sufficient surplus of footage of the undisturbed crime scene and the musicians in it, and Honey reaches a good pausing point in her storytelling, she nods. “All right, everyone, check your tuning. We’re going for the main event as soon as you’re ready.” *Everything from here till where the song starts is present. It could work in this instance if you want the reader to feel like they’re there, but then there’s parts in the song (the other two musicians joined in, for example) that are past so you’d have to change them to present. But honestly, I’d just go with one or the other for the whole story. *
Mhairi, on her knees in the center of the by the outline, *Just a typo here…take out “by the.” *
And that’s about it. Like I said, the biggest problem was the splitting of the tenses. The grammar, punctuation and basic working were spot on, though, so that’s always good. The story had a good message. It’s always fun to start with a character who’s a little bitter and see them have a change of heart by the end. Well done!